If you are enjoying the content and style of this blog, you are probably already aware of sex advice columnist Dan Savage. This post is inspired by something he recently discussed on his (amazing) podcast. Essentially, the message here is: “Good sex doesn’t just happen on its own. Make time for sex.”

The discussion started with Dan listing the things “vanilla” people could learn from the kink community. Planning ahead, making time for sex, putting sex in your calendar, was one of those things. Unfortunately fisters seem to be far behind other pervs on this account. Too much “play it by ear”, not even “name the time and place”. Fisting seems to have embedded itself much more in the casual cruising scene than in the leather or BDSM scene: darkrooms, not dungeons. At least in the cities where I have lived: New York, London, Berlin.

I am here to promise you: you will have more sex and better sex if you put it in your calendar. With fisting, this is even more important. Let us face it, if you include clean-up time, making lube, douching, fisting takes up more time than a quick suck-and-fuck. And rushing is the worst enemy of a good fist session. (Ok I already said glycerine is the worst enemy, but let us just agree fisting has many enemies!) So, making time for it is the best way to make sure both you and your partner will be relaxed and unrushed.

If you are thinking “but I don’t know when I will be horny!” then you are doing it wrong. In Greek we say that eating brings on the appetite. Trust me, if the session is worth having, you will be horny in time for it. If anything the anticipation itself will make it a safe bet. As Dan put it, kinky people have even more sex in anticipation of the sessions they have scheduled just from the aphrodisiac effect of having something to look forward to.

Similarly, if you are a bottom and you are thinking “but I don’t know if I will be ‘clean'”, realise that you have more control over your gut when you have planned ahead. Douching and bowel management is its own art, and unfortunately I am not the best person to give advice on the subject. Hopefully I will be able to recruit an expert to help with that. However, I promise you that if you pay attention you will, over time, learn which foods, and at which time intervals, make it easier or harder for you to prepare for a session. I have met guys who essentially go on a liquid diet when they are planning a long play weekend. That is probably too extreme and unnecessary for most people, but the thing to take away is the planning involved, not the diet itself. Take control of your bowel – do not let it control your sex life.

Let us go back to by my “art and sport” philosophy. If you plan your work out sessions, you should be already getting my point. Particularly if you have goals you are trying to reach, or if you are a beginner, regular, planned sessions are your best bet.

Another reason to plan ahead is social: just simple, human consideration. People have lives. As sexy as booty calls are, making plans and sticking to them is a sign of respect and appreciation for your partner’s time and effort. And let us get real, bottoms: fisting tops are in demand. Planning ahead is in your benefit too – that way you know you will get your turn.

So, do yourself a favour. Stop playing it by ear. Choose a good time, make a plan, stick to it. Trust me, the hormones will be there.